MASH: The Musical
by B.A. Tyler
Summary: Eleven seasons and no musical episode! Well it’s time to right that wrong.


**M*A*S*H: The Musical****  
**  
_Author's Note: Don't ask me what these songs sound like; I don't write music. (I don't particularly write lyrics either, as you're about to find out, LOL.)_

****

The P.A. system brings a rude awakening at 6 a.m. "Attention all personnel! The North Koreans apparently don't want us sleeping in today. Incoming choppers and ambulances! Looks like it's gonna be SRO in the OR."

The doctors and nurses of the 4077th bolt out of their beds and tents, putting their game faces on, some of them still dressing as they run. They come from every direction, converging on the hospital or stopping to help with triage in the compound. Everyone is all business. Time to get to work… time to save some lives. They aren't happy about being in this place, doing this particular type of healing, but since they've been put into this situation, they've dedicated themselves to doing the best they can.

And their best is very good indeed.

_**We Are the 4077th M*A*S*H**__**  
**__(Sung by: everyone in the company)__  
_  
_Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. We patch up wounded soldiers. __  
__Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. With each stitch we get a little older.__  
__  
__It's a sad, sad time__  
__A long, hard climb__  
__But we muddle through__  
__For the red, white, blue__  
__We are the 4077th M*A*S*H.__  
_  
_Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. We try to keep these boys alive.__  
__Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. It takes hard work, it takes great drive.__  
__  
__It's a sad daily grind__  
__No rest, no time to unwind__  
__But we forge ahead__  
__Where others fear to tread__  
__We are the 4077th M*A*S*H.__  
_  
"Colonel!" Frank Burns whines from his operating table some five hours into the session. "Pierce just threw a bloody sponge at my forehead! Can't you tell him to leave me alone and mind his own beeswax?"

Potter sighs and says, "Pierce, leave Burns alone and mind your own beeswax. No need for throwing sponges around, bloody or otherwise."

"Snitch!" Hawkeye snaps at Frank.

Margaret merely looks from Pierce to Frank back to Pierce, shaking her head. Sometimes these so-called adults sure do act like children. Sometimes she can't quite believe she's surrounded by such lunatics. It can be a lonely feeling… not only being the only female officer, but Regular Army on top of that.

"Scalpel," B.J. says to her, and she obliges, repeating, "Scalpel" to him. And she realizes that in spite of everything, she does feel honored to assist these talented surgeons.

_**Equal to the Task**__**  
**__(Sung by: Margaret)__  
_  
_The lone woman among men, screaming to be heard__  
__Nothing easy about it, you can take my word__  
__But I'm good at my job, I've earned what I've got__  
__I lead, I command, I call every shot.__  
__  
__My nurses and I, we help and we heal__  
__Efficient, hard-working, caring, and real__  
__Our hands and our hearts are always on call__  
__We will do our best, we will give our all.__  
__  
__The only woman amidst these men, but equal to the task__  
__If you need my help and support, you only have to ask__  
__I'm smart and I'm strong, much stronger than I seem__  
__Together we can do this, we're an unbeatable team.__  
_  
By early afternoon, the OR session is over. Hawkeye and B.J. leave the hospital and stagger back to the Swamp. They're tired and cranky and in no mood for Frank Burns, but unfortunately he shares their tent. He's watching them with squinty eyes as they help themselves to gin from their still.

"You're addicted to that stuff!" he declares from atop his high horse.

"Burns," Hawkeye says, his voice tinged with fury, "don't start with me! I was awakened this morning from a very lovely dream about those volleyball-playing twins Frannie and Annie Andrews in order to stitch back together a bunch of wounded kids, and I never got any breakfast, and I'm still wearing the blood of 19-year-old Private Sisko on my gown. Trust me, you do _not_ want to get into it with me today!"

"Hmmph!" Frank says, and wisely, it's the only thing he says. He grabs his Bible and strides out the Swamp door, presumably to find some shade tree to read under.

Hawkeye looks at B.J. and they raise their glasses in a silent toast. _To the departure of Frank Burns!_ is what they're toasting to, though neither says it out loud. There's no need to.

_**Frank!**__**  
**__(Sung by: Hawkeye and B.J.)__  
_  
_Frank! He's a ferret face__  
__Frank! He stinks up the place__  
__Frank! He's really no fun at all.__  
__  
__He shares our tent__  
__Let us lament__  
__He's too gung-ho__  
__We wish he'd just go…__  
__But we're forced to cohabitate.__  
__  
__Frank! He's a pain in the butt__  
__Frank! He's a major nut__  
__Frank! He's just no fun at all._

_He's rude and mean__  
__Always makes a scene__  
__We wish he'd just go  
But wouldn't ya know…  
We're forced to cohabitate._

Frank wanders in the direction of Margaret's tent, but then veers away at the last second. No, Margaret is engaged now, so she's no longer interested in his visits. He sighs, feeling very much alone. Used to be, he had Margaret by his side, _taking_ his side. These days, she doesn't even seem to want to _talk_ to him.

He grips his Bible a little tighter and heads to the meadow out near the minefield. He'll just relax out here for a while and read. He won't even think about Margaret and how the two of them used to picnic out here, snuggling together on a blanket and exchanging longing looks. No, he won't give that any thought at all.

He finds a spot under a tree to sit. He takes one last look back toward the camp, as if he expects to see somebody coming out here to join him, keep him company. No, certainly _that_ would never happen... what is he thinking? He lets out another sigh and cracks open his Bible.

_**Forever Blue**__**  
**__(Sung by: Frank)__  
_

_My life has been lonely, pathetic, and sad__  
__I hated my brother, was scared of my dad __  
__To pick up my spirits, I went to med school__  
__And married for money, which maybe sounds cruel._

_Joining the Army seemed the way to go  
Made me feel special, gave me room to grow  
I like the order that the Army brings  
I focus on that and forget other things._

_Take my word, it hurts being called names  
I act out, I'm mean, I sometimes play games  
Inside I'm empty and feeling quite numb  
Sometimes I'm scared and sometimes I'm dumb._

__

When Margaret was with me, I always felt strong  
We were a great team, we could do no wrong  
Until she said, "Frank, you and I are through."  
Leaving me all alone again… forever blue.

Sherman Potter steps out of the mess tent after his lunch and inhales deeply. The sun is shining and the spring air feels refreshing. He gazes into the distance and sees Burns sitting out in the meadow. It sure is a nice day for being outside, and what the heck, they've all got a bit of a break before a second wave of wounded is expected. So without another thought, he heads to the stable, where he gives Sophie a pat, saying, "Looks like a mighty good day for a ride, girl." It almost seems as if she smiles at him in reply. Since they're in agreement, Potter grabs a saddle, puts it on her, and climbs aboard his beloved horse.

_**A Man and His Horse  
**__(Sung by: Col. Potter)_

__

Gonna get my horse  
Gonna take a ride  
Love being with her  
Love being outside

It's a perfect break  
In a stressful day  
Doesn't get much better  
Except reading Zane Grey

Sometimes I'm tempted  
To ride into the sunset  
Just ride and ride forever  
No guilt and no regret

_But my work here's not done  
We have a tough job to do  
I love leading these folks  
Side by side, we'll get through.  
_  
While Col. Potter is out for a ride, Radar decides to use the afternoon to get caught up on paperwork. The early-morning OR session had him jumping, but now's a good time to do the daily report and other correspondence, before they get hit with more casualties.

He sits at his desk, puts paper into the typewriter, and gets down to business.

_**No Rest for the Weary  
**__(Sung by: Radar)_

__

Lots of work to do  
And I do it well  
No rest for the weary  
Hope I live to tell

About this crazy war  
Working day and night  
Does anyone think of us?  
Does anyone know our plight?

_We're great at what we do  
"Best care anywhere"  
But there's never any rest…  
I need my teddy bear.  
_  
Klinger, grumbling to himself in his tent, would second that emotion if he knew Radar was having it. He sits at his sewing machine and studies the dress he's working on, annoyed to realize that the darn thing has been in the creation stage for going on three weeks now. He hates that it takes so long to get from idea to pattern to finished product. Doesn't the Army know he has a wardrobe to create? Who has time for actual work?

"Got pulled out of bed at 6 in the morning… did medic stuff for hours… and now I barely have enough energy to get this hem looking right!" he mumbles. Even so, he's committed to looking his best, and this cute powder-blue dress is going to look _fabulous_ once it's finished. With a renewed sense of pride in his workmanship, he starts the sewing machine.

_**Out, Out  
**__(Sung by: Klinger)_

__

Out, out… I want out of this place  
They won't let me go, they won't hear my case  
I wear women's clothes, I wear makeup too  
Doesn't matter to them, they just say "pooh-pooh."

Out, out… I want out of this mess  
Next time I ask, pretty please say yes  
The dresses and hats, they're just a disguise  
Inside I'm scared, you can see in my eyes.

_Out, out… I just hate being here  
I try to be nice and be of good cheer  
But I miss Toledo and everyone there  
I just want out… out of this despair.  
_  
As Klinger tries to get some sewing done, Father Mulcahy is sitting at the desk in his tent, writing his Sunday sermon. Not that anyone actually shows up at his services, mind you… but he feels compelled to prepare for them anyway. He takes his mission seriously. After all, he _is_ the camp's spiritual guide.

_**Mulcahy's Prayer  
**__(Sung by: Father Mulcahy)_

__

Lord, give me strength  
To help where I can  
To counsel and uplift  
To aid my fellow man

Lord, show me the way  
To comfort and teach  
To set an example  
To practice what I preach

_Lord, let this war end  
If it would be your will  
But how could it not be?  
You __did__ say, "Thou shalt not kill."_

Just a short time later, Father Mulcahy puts the finishing touches on his sermon… Klinger's dress is still in a state of not-quite-done… Radar has gotten caught up on his paperwork… Col. Potter jumps off Sophie and puts her back in her stable… Frank is back in the Swamp, stashing his Bible safely away where Pierce and Hunnicutt can't find it… Margaret has just stepped out of the shower… and Hawkeye and B.J. are drinking coffee in the mess tent… when the P.A. announcement comes. "Attention all personnel! Yeah, you guessed it: incoming wounded again! I guess this is the second wave we were promised. Hop to it, folks!"

And just as they did at 6 that morning, all the doctors and nurses and support personnel come running from different directions, rushing to take their positions and do their jobs… to save lives.

After all, that's what they're here for.

_**We Are the 4077th M*A*S*H (reprise)  
**__(Sung by: everyone in the company)  
_  
_Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. We carry on day after day.  
Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. For an end, we hope and pray._

__

It's a sad, sad task  
Make it stop is all we ask  
But for now we soldier on  
Sometimes dusk to dawn  
We are the 4077th M*A*S*H.

_We are… the 4077th… M*A*S*H!  
_  
****

To a smattering of half-hearted applause, the words _The End_ appeared on the screen. People rose from their seats and began to file out of the mess tent.

"Come on, Hawk, let's go. It's over." B.J. stood up, stretched, and then stopped, eyeing Hawkeye suspiciously. "You look completely entranced. As though it's the first time you've seen _Easter Parade_ when it's actually the sixth time in just the last two weeks!"

Hawkeye wore a cryptic smile as he looked up at his friend. "Oh," he said as he finally got to his feet, "that wasn't the movie _I_ was watching."


End file.
